Vanity: A Collection of Poetry
All artwork by Kataraina
Vanity
I’m so vain
You may say I am insane
Narcissistic? Let’s get realistic
I mean seriously, look at me,
All this comes so naturally
Some might say I’m pretty
Naturally beautiful in my femininity, but in reality
What I see in my reflection
Is nothing more than a deception
That I use as a protection
To influence your perception
Because I’m SO afraid… of your rejection
There has to be more to me
Than these… physical qualities
My hair, my eyes, my lips, my thighs
Are used for attraction
But they’re just a distraction
To hide, that what really matters to me
Is what’s on the INSIDE
But I’m afraid to let you see, the real me
To unrepress, learn to express
My true personality, my authenticity
So for now?
I embrace my vanity
So look at me…
LOOK AT ME!
Don’t judge me
Most days I think about dying and I am lying when I say that I'm okay.
Don’t judge me
It takes all my courage to admit that I am weak and full of flaws, I don’t admit it for your applause, but just because, internally I'm fighting wars, and I'm ready to surrender, to no longer be a prisoner of my own mind.
Don’t judge me
It’s taken me 36 years to realize I haven't really gone anywhere, I'm still here, back at the start using the same coping mechanisms I learnt in my youth, to hide from the truth. The truth of what? That I do not feel worthy to be here.
Don’t judge me
This is the expression of the depression that I've been suppressing. Hiding behind my masks for so long I dont know what's underneath them anymore - maybe I don't want to know. I can’t remember when I last saw my own smile - it’s been awhile. This is the face I recognise in my reflection, the mask of my protection, to save me from your rejection. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.
Don’t judge me
I've carried my bag of worries and my anxieties strangling me like a noose. Clinging to them as my life depends on it, I’m afraid to say goodbye because I don’t know who I am without them. My fears, sneer at me through the darkness; I feel their eyes watching, waiting, an inhaled breath ready to extinguish the flicker of my light. But I still fight! I choose the right, each right turn leading me around in circles if I can only look to God, the circles turn into upward spirals, like a ladder to heaven. I’m still on the first step, but oh, how I wish I could go home!
Don’t judge me
Anymore. Please. I think that you think, that you think you know what I think, but what I think it comes down to is... I think too much, but that’s beside the point. Nobody knows what I've been through... seen... do you? I've been vilified; people I thought were my friends - they lied! My son nearly died; it’s been quite a ride; we've been tried, inside, outside, upside down. Struggled to confide, I've identified I’m dissatisfied, yet my anxieties intensified, amplified, and magnified. Mortified I considered suicide, so undignified and I decide maybe I'll reside, here, wait just one more day. When I asked God to provide a way, he replied: Pray. Meditate. Live. Laugh. Love. Forgive.
Don’t judge me
I’m ready to shed my fears, release the tears, and break down the walls I've been building for years. To lose myself to find me6, to discover what’s beneath. A step to start, to open my heart; being vulnerable is not a natural art. My clumsy feet will stumble along, tripping me as I go, and I know, that well I don’t really know anything. Im intending to end the pretending; please forgive me if my actions are offending because that’s not my purpose. And I’m still learning. I know I'm not perfect, and I never said I was. I guess what I'm asking is, please, don’t judge me.
