Escaping Narcissism
Maya Angelou said, ‘… never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option’.
I fell in love with Maya Angelou after reading her story in Year 10 English. I felt such a connection; I knew all the struggles and realised that I too, felt like a caged bird most of the time. I saw my resilience, my fierceness and my fortitude in her story despite it all
He taniwha ki uta, he ope taua ki tai.
A taniwha inland, a war party on the shore.
That was where I learned te mana o te wāhine.
Mana wāhine is amazing. If no one has told you. You are amazing. We pull the strength from our bones; we find kaitiaki to guide us; we build a circle of aroha and manaakitanga mai i ngā hau e whā. We are magical beings, filled with enchantments that have been suppressed for hundreds of years. And if the world gives us lemons, as Maya said, ‘we make lemon meringue pie’.
My lemon was an email from a narcissist that I have been dealing with for nearly 14 years. I suffered for seven years in a cycle of abuse and co-dependency, because I couldn’t manage my boundaries to figure out where his mamae ended, and mine began. There were many clear red flags, such as rationalising his behaviour by making me think it was me. For a long time, I thought I was the problem. He stopped me from seeing my friends and family. I ended up very depressed. There is a long list of his evils – which I owe no more words to.
As I was going through my spam today – to find emails on other matters regarding moko kauae - his email sat nefarious, in wait for me. I could almost feel the energy from it sinking into my skin.
So… onto my Lemon Meringue!
Today I write for anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse by someone they trusted… E rere ana te aroha ki a koe mō ō mamae. Kia kaha, kia māia, kia manawanui!
‘Narcissism’ is defined by the Mental Health Foundation as a ‘personality disorder, pattern of feeling important and in need of adoration from others’. Narcissists have very little empathy for anyone outside of themselves. They develop a personality built on a visage that shows charm, intellect, and perfectionism when, in reality, they are the opposite. Their personality disorder renders them beings who feed off others.
We who were raised in homes that undermined our values,
who were made to think they were ‘worthless’,
who were shamed by their parent’s shame,
we are the most susceptible to this kind of abuse.
To put it in the context of a ‘virus’ or ‘disease’ in the wake of Covid-19, through colonisation, our genetic wairua code was made more vulnerable by smaller viruses (a.k.a. abusers, boundary crossers, tapu violators and the like) we haven’t the antibodies to offset the disease of personality disorders or mental illness. We don’t know until we are well infected by these things because of our already vulnerable genetic wairua code.
Some of us even end up becoming abusers. This doesn’t surprise me at all, it makes me incredibly sad as it is often not the fault of those used by a Narcissist.
"Mā te mamae o te whānau, te tinana, te wairua, te hinengaro hoki e puawai te huaketo".
The virus blossoms and thrives as a result of natural causes – like genetic predisposition – or as a result of a malignant upbringing.
This doesn’t negate the actions of the abuser, nor does it change the spiritual, mental, and physical trauma you experience while engaging with one. Especially when your boundaries are breached consistently and systematically over several years. It wasn’t until I started addressing myself that I could see how the virus of narcissism took hold of my life.
So when he wrote to me after two years of blocked calls, relocation and the restoration of my wairua, I wasn’t surprised by my Aries instincts. I wanted to headbutt him. Physically and metaphorically. That was all I could think. Straight up a full Aries five-head headbutt (because my forehead is huge). In my rage, I proceeded to write, delete, copy and paste furiously. I thought about sending him links to Rihanna videos to ask for my money, and Māori Mermaid’s ‘Ok coloniser’ pictures to quash his covert racial appropriation and sexual stigmatism towards women who love femininity. I was conjuring all sorts of witty harmful ways to dispel his energy from my life.
Then I realised. The only way to stop a Narcissist is to cut off their supply.
Much like a malevolent pathogen, he wanted to attack my energy. He probably even wanted the headbutt. As satisfying as a good headbutt would be for my rage, it’s not ok, and it wouldn’t get me any peace. The peace was a voice in my head saying:
Kāti i tēnā, kaua e kōrero ki te taniwha. Kia mau ki tō wairua.
It was probably my tīpuna talking to me. I was not going to prioritise this man when all I was to him was a living cell for his ‘virus’ to spread. The shadow side of my Aries energy was tamed and uplifted. The validity of my rage allowed me to see the other side. I didn’t owe him anything. There was no need for me to respond to his email.
Through dealing with this virus, I have learnt that I become disconnected from myself and my mana when I engage with Narcissists as they don’t understand the implications of their past mamae.
Māori have models of health and wellbeing that allow mamae to be seen for what they are—the broken walls of the tapawhā or lost tentacles of the wheke.
We don’t have to engage.
We don’t have to answer.
We owe it to ourselves to stay connected to ourselves and our wellbeing.
Please hear me, those who need to use this lemon as leverage for transformation: Māori women are not immune to this kind of virus, but we can overcome it. With support, aroha and healing, our mana wāhine shines, and we can make some frickin’ delicious lemon meringue.
I’ll leave you with a poem/spell I wrote two years ago when I cut him off: re-reading it now makes me feel like I banished him from my wairua. May anyone who reads this feel free to do the same.
I untie the binds and weep.
I weep for a loss so bitter, like a lightning bolt that snaps a Tower in two.
Down and down I fall unable
to stand
to catch a breath.
Hear my wail as I bemoan and forsake all facets of the word LOVE
Like thunder
It shatters my eardrums as I know its
Truth
In my world you sow it
in the Earth like a seed,
you nurture it until it blossoms.
In yours, it does not exist
as anything other than
a Judge sitting
and observing through
hallowed eyes
above me.
Should I list on this page oh Page of Swords
All the crushing and piercing knives
You plunged
Into my core?
Should I paint in watercolour oh howling Wolf
All the mazarine hues of the Moon sky
that represent my tears?
Or should I sit and wait
for the World
to begin again?
Like the upturned Magician
you play and hide amongst
the shadows
A master of litanies and deceit.
As the Devil calls me to
His chamber and asks,
"What fury can thou offer me to feed off?"
His horns undulate
towards me,
reaching out to kiss
My head.
I laugh in his face.
"You think I haven't been burned in a million eternal fires before this one?"
"You think the little girl inside of me will sit and dance the Devil's dance again because the spell is broken?"
Take me for no Fool.
I untie the binds and weep.
Weep for a loss so bitter
Yet
Weep for an emancipation
That can only come from a place within.
At the end of desire,
there I sit
Unbridled and free
From the spell you cast oh Magician.
And ponder for a moment
the rage that would come
if you ever tried to cast it again.