Comparisons Between Women
Image Credit: Jaime Perham
As women, we are notoriously comparing ourselves and each other. This is not exclusive to mothers. There is a side to this comparison that is talked about very often and a side that is hardly ever talked about. When we think of a comparison, we mostly think of our bodies, relationships or physical items and think, ‘I want what they have’. I'm not here to talk about that. I want to talk about the side that is talked about very little.
All women do it; in fact, probably all people do it. We justify something hard for us by telling ourselves there is something different about our experience when others go through the same thing. It is so easy and so common to think, “well, she has it easier because...” or “well, they just don’t get it because...“ or “nobody around me is the same because...” and the list goes on. It makes us feel like we aren't failing but that we just have more going on, alienating us. It's a trap that we all fall into. I am in no way exempt from it. My motherhood journey so far has highlighted its ugly existence in me.
It never does me any good to try and justify my struggles in this way. I always feel worse, like I'm alone with whatever I'm dealing with. We all have different experiences as we go through life; each builds on top of the last to make us who we are. Our decisions are made different from one another. That's not a scientific fact; it's just my observation, so don't quote me, maybe quote me, but it's relevant to how we go through struggles and compare our experiences. The fact is, someone else may struggle just as much but may never vocalise it to anyone. In the same way, they may breeze through something you struggle with and tell you all about it. Just FYI, that can be a pretty annoying, so don't come at me with how your baby has "always been a good sleeper".
It is not just about us comparing ourselves to others; others also compare their experience to ours. One of the hardest things I find about motherhood is when someone has had a rough time with something, and it comes up in conversation. Two of the most common ones are breastfeeding and types of birth. My breastfeeding journey was by no means easy; some nights of tears, and I nearly gave up one night, but I have been in the situation with another māmā where breastfeeding came up. This māmā had a hard time with tongue ties and positions at the start but was able to breastfeed her pēpi for many months successfully.
It shouldn't be about who had it 'worse', but this conversation made me feel that whatever my experience was and how hard it was for me, I couldn't express that here because it wasn't as bad as hers. I'm sure we've all had a similar conversation, and you usually realise it's heading that way after a few back and forth sentences where neither of you is listening to each other. It usually ends with someone going, "aww, that sucks", and an awkward subject change.
These conversations have made me reflect on the real purpose and lesson. I don't think that māmā meant to make me feel like it wasn't my place to share my struggles. She just wanted to be heard first and for someone to understand, even if they couldn't relate. A similar conversation happens with "natural birth", which should be called vaginal birth, but that's a story for another day and c-section birth discussions. I feel for my c-section māmā’s who I can always tell leave the conversation feeling disheartened, probably because we talk about vaginal births in such an uplifting, empowering, magical, natural way and make it feel as though the same is not to be associated with a c-section birth when it is 100% because birthing a baby in any way, shape, or form is hard work and natural!
I am slowly becoming more aware and working on understanding or empathising with my fellow women regardless of whether I think their situation is worse or better than mine. It's not about judgment. It's about uplifting, recognising and acknowledging each other's struggles. What you feel is relevant and important, even if it isn't the same as someone else's feelings. The reality is nobody will have the same experience, so, no, they won’t be able to comprehend your struggles all of the time fully, but there will be someone who gets each part of your journey, and you can build from combined experiences.
Take a lesson from each person, or just talk it out. You don't have to idolise or role model one single person. Make that person Yourself!! Build from your surroundings and learn from each of their experiences to make yours better. Love your ātaahua mates and awhi them regardless of any struggles they deal with. I'll say it again, we have to stand together and lift each other! We got this wāhine toa!