Kei te Pēhea Koe?
Image credit: Milky Māmā
If you had asked me how I was in the first 6-8 weeks as a new māmā, I would’ve said "good.”
I'm sorry, I lied to you. I was struggling with an identity crisis and sleep deprivation. I wasn't sure if I was bonding with my son or healing my body while I learnt to change nappies and breastfeed. I was adjusting to a new whānau dynamic and, above all else - learning to love my pēpi and all that comes with him. Every new mum has a similar, if not identical, list of things they are going through. We all just say "good" because it is the easy answer, and we are led to believe that's how we should feel immediately after giving birth. But guess what? If we all say that it only feeds into that idea and makes it harder for the next new māmā who now thinks she is the only one struggling with those things.
All I saw of other mums was the highlight reels on social media of how the second they saw their pēpi they were instantly in love
All I saw of other mums was the highlight reels on social media of how they never knew love before their baby and how they were instantly in love the second they saw their pēpi. That didn't happen for me; I didn't feel I was immediately bonding with my baby. I loved him; he was so precious, but I wasn't IN LOVE with him instantly. This was a new little person with a little personality, and I had to get to know my son first. If you are like me, I just want you to know that doesn't mean you are a bad mum or a failure or that you've made a mistake that can't be reversed. That is okay if you don't instantly feel like your baby has changed your entire outlook on life. You can immediately know to take care of your pēpi while you learn all about them; falling in love with them may take some time, just like when you start any other relationship.
You can admit you are struggling and haven't mastered being a māmā
I had such unrealistic expectations for myself. I wish I had asked the people who helped us out in the first few weeks to let me know what they had done so I would've known how impossible it was for me to do it all when they left. In my head, it made logical sense that now I was home all day, I should take care of the whare, right? You can admit you are struggling and haven't mastered being a māmā, and still, be grateful for and love your pēpi.
Going from full-time work, where I had measurable success, to stay-at-home mum, where some days would be a struggle to get dressed, eat, and use the toilet, made me feel like the most useless person on earth. It will get better if you're in the survival stages right now! People will tell you it doesn't, but I think they just get caught up in the next challenge and forget how hard it is at the start. You get time for yourself back, it might not be for very long or every day, but you can make it happen eventually.
The transition into parenthood wasn't as simple as "we'll do this as a team." There are certain things dads can't do because they have useless nipples. It's not that he didn't want to help, but a clustering baby only wants one thing, and he didn't always know how to help. Getting used to the idea that teamwork doesn't look how you thought it would while being majorly sleep-deprived and hormonal can be challenging.
"Can you just change one nappy so I can sleep for 10 minutes!" Don't beat yourself up about being a little hōhā
The rage may come at 2 am while your partner is snoring. "Can you just change one nappy so I can sleep for 10 minutes!" Don't beat yourself up about being a little hōhā; he doesn't care; he knows you're going through a lot. He will be fine to work tomorrow with 20 minutes less sleep than usual; after all, you've had 2 hours of broken sleep in the last four weeks. He'll have to sub in on dinners for a couple of weeks (or longer) and maybe clean a toilet now and then. He just sometimes needs you to ask.
In our household, the division of labour before pēpi was that I cooked and cleaned. My partner did the rubbish and lawns. That was never a gendered thing, far from it. I like to feel as though I am taking care of him, and those are some of the ways I want to show that.
I felt like a failure that I couldn't look after my partner in the same way as before
I felt like a failure because I couldn't continue to look after my partner in the same way as before by cooking him a nice dinner after a long day at work. Realising that division of labour needed to change took getting used to some tears and some 10 pm dinners. Eventually, you will accept that you can't do it all and that being unable to cook every meal is a part of your new life.
To a well-rested, hydrated, fed, and hormonally balanced person, it is logical that a baby can't tell you what they want and crying is their only form of communication. To a new māmā, it is easy to get caught up in the frustration of the neverending feed, burp, change, and sleep cycles and forget that you have needs too. Before having a pēpi of my own, I never understood needing to put the baby in a safe place (like the cot) while you calm down, get something to eat, go to the toilet, or just take a breather.
Even go outside to hang the washing if the baby is safe, still in earshot, and you can see him through the window. Sometimes you just need some distance between your ear and his cries to return and be calmer, which will benefit you both. It doesn't make you a bad mum. If your village is like mine and over an hour’s drive away, remembering this tip will save you many times.
I learned that if all his needs were met, and he was still crying, we needed to go for a walk
It can be hard work being stuck in a house with a little person who can't tell you what they want. I learned that if all his needs were met and he was still crying, we needed to go for a walk. Sometimes he would scream for the first five minutes, and I would turn back. Other times, he would settle, and we would get a pleasant walk-in, but whenever we got back home, I felt better. Fresh air and endorphins were massive for my sanity. They always have been through my struggles with depression, self-harm, and social anxiety in my teenage years. If exercise or fresh air isn't your thing, insert something else as your 'peace of mind go-to' activity you can do with the baby when you need to get out of the house.
Leaving the house in the first few weeks can feel like a huge mission and cause hours of unneeded anxiety and worry. I learned that you both have to get out and about, if not to get things done, then for your sanity. Use the car as your retreat station, and don't go too far at first. With any luck, your baby will eventually fall asleep in the pram.
Just remember if your baby cries, your chances of seeing the same exact strangers again are so low and who even cares? Other than you? Nobody
Just remember, if your baby cries, your chances of seeing the same strangers again are so low and who even cares? Other than you? Nobody.
Shopping centres are an excellent place to go. The parent's rooms have breastfeeding cubicles with curtains and massive changing benches. It's not just a mysterious room hidden away with a gross plastic change table; they're pretty clean and well equipped. Some even have little playgrounds for bigger kids! Use the pram parks, get some fresh air, you don't have to buy anything or see anyone, just practice getting out. It will only take five to six times before you've sorted it (minus the occasional extra feed or poop explosion that still catches you off guard).
Sleep deprivation will do some crazy things to you. I dreamt I was feeding, burping and putting my baby back in his bassinet all the time. Then my partner would wake me up to feed him, and I would glare at him like, "What the hell, man? I just fed him, let me sleep", only to find out that was over an hour ago, as recorded on my handy app. Lack of sleep will send your hormones all over the place. You will probably question whether this is just baby blues or whether Post-Natal Depression is on the cards, whether it is or not. Talk to your Midwife, partner, GP, Plunket Nurse or friends and whanau. Find someone else to talk to if you feel like someone isn't listening or not taking you seriously.
Everyone is willing to help. Don't be the tough guy who has to do everything for themselves like I thought I could. They say it takes a village for a reason. Even if people don't offer, just ask. They'll either be more than happy to help, or they'll leave and then you can do whatever it is that needs doing in your baby's next cycle.
‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ is rubbish advice!
‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ is rubbish advice! I'll say it. You can't sleep every time the baby sleeps; you have other basic needs. Eat, use the toilet, and brush your teeth while the baby would be more realistic advice. Washing eventually has to be done, dishes have to be done, and toilets and showers have to be cleaned… okay the toilet and shower can wait a while. They don't all have to be done at once, though; work them in shifts when you get 2 minutes. Run a load of washing in the morning if you can and who cares if you have to hang it inside on a sunny day because it took you all day to return to it. Ask for help if you feel like things are piling up and it is stressing you out. You don't have to be the one to do everything that needs to be done at home.
If it's not stressing you out, just know that nobody cares what your house looks like – even your partner. He doesn't think you're useless; his baby is cared for. Your baby doesn't care what the house looks like; he has a clean butt and kai in his puku. Your visitors don't care what the house looks like; they come to see the baby. Your new routine will take some getting used to. Get up and dressed early in the day. Move to the lounge and nap in there when you get the chance. Move some snacks for you in a container near where you feed the baby for the days you can't get to the kitchen. Some days I couldn't leave my son to get something to eat until 2 pm.
Get outside when you can, even if your baby is hōhā
Get outside when you can; even if your baby is hōhā, you can always go back inside. Stand up! I would get stuck in this feed, burp, change cycle and forget about standing up. They settle when you stand up (according to the results of a panicked Google search). Prolong turning the TV on, listening to music or putting on a podcast – you won't get a chance to watch TV anyway. I only ever wanted background noise.
Routine, to some extent, will help you both, but be open to changing it at any moment. Being a māmā requires flexibility - something I never thought my stubborn Taurus self was capable of. Thank you, Aquarius partner, for teaching me to be freer. Remember that crying is your baby's only way to communicate; he doesn't hate you. Your baby will get bigger, eat less, develop more personality, enjoy more things, smile at you, laugh with you, and play in no time.
You've got this māmā!
Where to get help if you feel you may need it:
Your Midwife
Plunket Nurse
GP
Waikato Family Centre: (07) 834 2036 - you can make an appointment and go here, and they will help care for baby, help with sleep training, have private chats about what you're going through, or support groups with other mums
Waikato DHB maternal mental health crisis team: 0800 50 50 50
Plunketline: 0800 933 922
NZ mental health line: 0800 1737 or text 1737 at anytime
