Cancer and the Big Shame
From the first moments until now,
Shame has been a constant.
Embarrassing,
because this doesn't happen to people like me.
Not right,
because it felt totally out of my control.
And I like control,
I've always been the one in charge of my life,
I could run away if I wanted to,
And so I did,
If I could cover the uncertainty
with fun and adventure,
Then I would.
Sometimes things don’t work out,
You shrug your shoulders and move on to the next.
That was the mindset.
Why waste your time lamenting over what was,
When you have the power to search for something new.
The problem with that,
Is there was no time to grieve,
No time to acknowledge how good the good felt,
And how shit it felt once the good was gone.
The adventure,
The fun,
The love,
Onto the next one,
Time to find something new,
But you can't find what you're looking for,
When you're not looking for what you want,
Because really, you're looking to fill a void,
To avoid a pain,
To escape something you no longer have control over,
So when something comes,
Something like that,
That's one you can't run from,
That's a time you have to face the storm head on.
Its uncomfortable,
Because this is not how things go.
There's nowhere you can run to,
No amount of adventure can erase what's happening.
And so you deal with it,
You think it's just another thing you can go through
then leave behind,
But not this one,
Not this time.
You've passed the physical trial,
Now comes the mental one,
And that one can consume you if you let it.
It's learning a life lesson in the hardest way,
Because whether you like it or not,
Whether you want to admit it or not,
You can't wipe this one from you,
You can't pretend this does not make up a part of you now,
You are here because you stared down the barrel and won,
Your struggle and your journey helped you be where you are now,
There's no hiding from that part of your identity,
There's no shame in admitting you're not bulletproof,
It happened,
You had to accept help,
People got to see you without the tough girl mask.
You cried at the broken pieces of a perfect facade crumbling away,
Everyone can see you clearly,
In all your power and strength,
Lift that chin baby girl,
Open those hazel eyes,
And stop being so scared of your own reflection.
