2020 so far
I love to say I fell out of the waka when it’s been a while since I wrote a blog piece, made art, meditated and all that good stuff. Truth is, I didn’t fall out of the waka; I’ve just been in a raging storm with only one oar and a tiny hole that’s letting water seep in. The storm seems to be easing now, though I don’t have a second oar and the hole hasn’t been patched up; this is progress.
The storm is everything around me, negative voices/thoughts and things that bring me down. The hole in the waka represents the hole in my self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love and mental health. The oar is my strength, my perseverance and my positivity.
I haven’t been feeling myself. I’ve been depressed, more so than what I’m used to. So anxious that it wakes me during the night, every night. I’m not making any effort to exercise, eat healthy/nutritiously or do anything that will aid my mental health. This is what the harder times look like.
I just have no drive to do anything that will help, I’m just stuck in a slump that I don’t really care to bring myself out of. I don’t know what it is exactly. I have a few thoughts about it being my job that demands a lot and is the first full-time job I’ve ever had, all of this isolation business and the travel restrictions, things in my personal life, including the tough times my family have been going through,h and a lot to do with my view of myself.
With iso comes eating. With my new job comes eating. I enjoy eating, lol. This paired with UberEats, a desk job and no exercise means I’m feeling myself a whole lot. Nothing fits. I feel gross, I spend hours thinking about how I shouldn’t even bother going out when I’ve let myself go this much and all that bullshit that runs through your head when you put on weight. It’s a lame as fuck feeling and I’m not really here for it. For someone who tells people to love the body they’re in and preaches that everyone is worthy regardless of how they look, I don’t carry that same energy for myself. A lot of people don’t.
I guess when my waka hits a rough patch, aka all this change and all that’s going on in the world, I tend to take all that out on myself. Make myself feel bad for things I can’t change, for emotions I am allowed to feel and for not focusing on how I look – which I shouldn’t have to worry about but do. I also tend to eat my feelings lol.
Sometimes it takes a few things over a while to push me towards the light. A few weeks ago, I took the day off to get all my appointments done, which felt great; it also involved some adulting, woo! I started reading a book last week for the first time in a little while, and tonight I’m here, writing out a snippet of what’s on my brain so there’s one less thing for me to carry and one less thing to work through alone – my words and I sometimes feel like different beings, so it feels like I’m going through it all with someone else.
Now that I’m here, it’s a little easier to reflect on how I’ve been doing and where my head has been and to be honest, it’s not very nice in there. When I’m in a negative space, I attack how I look, specifically my body and weight, which isn’t all that fun. I think I just need to accept that this is where I’m at, healthy and able but in a position to make the changes if I need to. I also need to work on self-love a hell of a lot which, like most humans, is a never-ending process that has its peaks and valleys. It feels weird to go from a place where I was a lot more comfortable with myself to this place of discomfort and unhappiness. It does feel a lot better to write it all out, even if it is a bit scattered, but hey, most things I do and say are!
Maybe this is just a check-in, but maybe this is the first of a few? We’ll see how my waka and I progress on this journey with no real sense of direction (maybe that’s what the oars are for?), but I am happy to be in this space right now, even if it is late at night and I have mahi in the morning. This is a good space to be in, and I’m grateful I made it.
Big aroha to all those whose waka are going through choppy waters or who gave up paddling and are just letting themselves wade in the ocean. Progress is progress, no matter how big or small. You are loved, and people care about what you have to say.
Arohanui,
Tiaarangi x
This piece was originally published on Tiaarangi’s blog.