Number one question/comment/statement I get from people who know me but don't KNOW ME.
"How'd you get so confident/I love your confidence"
And its so nice and sometimes makes my skin prick up because...
a) Who am I not to be confident, and why are you surprised?
b) SPOILER ALERT: I'm insecure AF.
I've come a long way. Trust me.
I'm a happy person. I love people. I talk loud (one volume soz). I LOVE self expression in all its different forms - fashion, music, writing, speaking.
But don't get it twisted. My thoughts be doubting me on the daily.
It's hard to drown out self deprecating feels. In a world that constantly sells you things you 'need' to solve problem you never knew you had - straight up, its hard.
I doubt my parenting
Whether I'm good enough
A good enough friend
A good enough daughter
At differing points in time, I'm basically a big fat doubt machine and part time comparison contraption.
And it's fine. It's fine to doubt and be insecure.
It's not a sign of failure, or having not ascended to the highest of heights of self love. No ones measuring your capacity for self love and you really don't need to fake it til you make it.
Admitting that you believe you have short comings doesn't make you weak it makes you human.
Insecure has been sold as the worst thing a girl can be. Dudes like confidence. Sexy is a mindset. Girl power. Feminism. In amongst the high vibes of being sexy bitches, fighting for our assertion of rights, and having fun in between - feel okay about not feeling okay.
I'm not saying this to make you feel better about being insecure (kinda).
I'm telling you this because ITS NORMAL to feel insecure. Like, you're fighting the patriarchy. You're up against a whole intentional system, set up to make you feel less than. And they succeed. Often. So don't feel bad that its working. Feel angry that it exists. And flip the script accordingly.
Don't complain that you're thighs are chunky.
If you want toned thighs, squat. Or lunge. Or whatever the cool kids do now days. (Dead-lift? Sumo squats? Like hook me up with the tips).
YOU are allowed to want what you want.
But stay woke. Realise, you can do all the things, to make those two pieces of meat toned or whatevs - and some days you will still think - YUP MY LEGS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Then you know what else *MIND FUCK* - You will absolutely (like place money on it) look back on photos and think - FUCK MY LEGS ARE HOT. Then guess what else *MIND FUCK SEQUEL* You WILL find another picture and think your legs are basically the only thing preventing you from otherwise becoming a bonafide 10.
And this is how it works. We take a flippant moment in time and place value on that thing like all our worth is found in a comment made, a text sent, a photo taken, a text not returned, a comment left on seen - and we judge and we compare and we get INSECURE AF.
So because this is a blog I'm gonna do one of those top 5 tips to follow for when you are (and you will) feeling insecure AF:
1. Know that this too shall pass (fucking love that saying #justsaying): Seriously. You'll feel insecure, but its a feeling and feelings change, and it may come back - but you won't always feel this way forever.
2. Get you a hype-man: Seriously start investing in your friendships. Find them real ones. I dont care if they are day ones, or soul mates you just met. Find friends who think the sun shines out your ass. If your friends are part time lovers who chronically cancel WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. They aren't friends they are acquaintances. If you're friends aren't your greatest fans stop investing. Just stop, k?
3. Focus on good shit: I know it sucks. I too am a bit of a frother for self pity. But the thing with self pity is it actually loves to hide in darkness and feeds of nasty negative shit. So the more you feed it, the more it grows. Its hard to be peace love and mungbeans. So just start small. I got to work. I didn't lose my child? then escalate. I have nice toes (no one has nice toes but anyway). Everyone has something to be hopeful for. If you don't, refer to point 2, because you might be temporarily feelings blind and just not see it. Find people who see it and verbalise it.
4. Know what makes you feel good: Music? Crying? Masturbation? Quiet Time? Getting lit (not too lit k sis don't drink your feelings) Being with whaanau. A cuddle from someone who smells good. Writing. Dancing. Boxing. Whatever. Do stuff that you enjoy.
5. Be insecure: Like just own it. Don't do the whole pass agg, fetching for attention ones AKA DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS. Like learn how to verbalise what you are feeling. Tell someone or write it down. Get specific AF. I don't feel pretty right now because of __________ I want to apply for this job but I also feel not good enough. I wanna do this thing I've always dreamed about but I'm scared. Good way to overcoming shit feelings is to actually become familiar with what they are, where they are from - then owning them. Because in a moment, thats all you can do. They eventually dissolve in the woke of awareness x
So. tell me if my tips work k?
Otherwise I'm gonna feel insecure AF. AGAIN.
Ngaa mihi aroha,
I am Hinenui xx