Things I left Unsaid
Trigger Warning: content in this piece contains references to addiction
Things I left unsaid
I didn't know what to say as your words travelled down the phone line
My hands became uneasy, started to shake, but I held my breath
I held it until we said the awkward goodbyes and see you in a couple weeks
My legs began to quake, my body was so shook up, I couldn't breathe
I felt it travel up my throat and burst out my mouth, the cry of heartbreak
I knew that you wouldn't like me back, but hearing the words is different
I just want to punch something, anything, scream, cry out
I never thought such simple words could cause such pain
Even one day later, my hands, my legs, my body is left so uneasy
I am literally feeling all there is to feel, I'm even pissed off at him
He warned you about me? What the fuck does that even mean?
How did he know it was you to begin with and why did he say that?
The last thing I wanted was for you to know how I felt, before you knew me
Again, he told my feelings to the person I was gonna one day tell myself
The words that you said to me on that call, they're all that's left up in my head
Every time I think of them, they're like bullets, shooting through me with lead
Days
There are days where I can take it
Where I can pull through this hit
But then come the other days
I can't overcome the waves
The days I wanna see you
One day I wanna kill you
Then I have to hate you
So I don't hate me too
I'm over the love, hurt
Deep under the dirt
Everyday is a new
Different one
But I'm just
Done
Some days I can just forget you
Or at least my feelings for you
And I think I can start anew
But that's just a lie too
Like how I hate you
I don't hate you
For falling
I hate
Me
AA tendencies
I joke about my alcoholic tendencies with my friend
When in reality I'm scared, I use it to help me mend
Sometimes I feel like I'm predisposed to be an addict
I can literally feel it in my blood, veins, body, and I hate it
Addicts, alcoholics, they run straight down my bloodline
And the curse was transferred from their blood into mine
Sometimes I'll think about how I don't wanna feel this pain anymore
And then all I want, I crave, a drink, it runs right down to my core
It's a feeling of not wanting to be in control any longer
But sometimes I think to myself, why can't I be stronger
I can't manage to have a good night without alcohol anymore
Life feels so mundane when I'm sober, and god, I want more!
Life is hard, but worth it
Emotional scars take more to heal
Make it so much harder to deal
Break down the heart and the mind
Leaving all the happiness behind
But we all try the best we can
Like taking a strong stranger's hand
Renewing a broken friendship
Or showing some affection
To someone we want as more
Than just the one night score
Creating the small, joyful moments
In the sun, writing music and poems
Capturing the moments on camera
So we can remember them forever
Reaching for the things we want to
The brightest stars in everything we do
If you have a dream, I want you to go for it
And it will be hard.
Everyday you'll wanna quit
But without it, does life really seem worth it?