Putaanga
Image credit: Twisted Treaty
white girl, they will never understand you.
for my whole life, I didn't know if I even really existed. But I do, and people are starting to notice. - arthur fleck
“are you Māori?”
“but to them you’re Pākēha”
“do you speak Māori?”
“the pākēha girl”
“they will never understand you”
My life has always been defined by how I look. white & fat? Must be pākēha?
All I’ve ever known is the reo of criticism, it’s fluent within our whānau.
After 24 years the harsh sting off opinions became a hideous love language.
The harsh exterior i transmit is my mechanism of defence because no one has ever helped guard me in defence of all the negativity that is thrown at me for carrying myself different, being offbeat, being weird, being anxious.
My waha is a riptide, my voice doesn’t sit comfortably with people. they’ll see me at kmart so they turn the other way.
Honesty is foreign here but criticism is welcome which is the whakapapa of my crippling anxiety.
24 years and I was terrified of making decisions because of how they would make others feel.
Why does my reflection show someone i don’t know?
Do I even really exist?
2018, I began to reveal my yearning to reveal my Moko Kauae. I had hidden my desire for too long.
What would people think of me?
What will my whānau think?
What the f#ck am i thinking?
“what are they going to say about me?”
“what if…”
“am i good enough”
“am i too white?”
“They will never understand you.”
I never understood myself. Who the f&ck am I?
This wasn’t really what you did or considered in my whānau and being the first from both my Mama & Papas lines i felt it was a huge responsibility and I feel like it was such a foreign thing or such an ancient thing that we just didn’t touch anymore.
Being patched into a gang was more accepted than kauae or mataora.
There was no aunty or cousin that wore her kauae that i was close enough to confide in about my dreams so i just let the ahi die out and of course my fair skin, grey hair & green eyes somehow makes me illegitimate to my own culture?
but te Ao Māori is all i’ve ever known.
Whatever i did i was criticised so naturally taking the Moko was a huge step but i thought, how long will i make decisions based on how i make my whānau feel?
why do we take people’s feelings so strongly into consideration when making decisions like this or at all?
Deep down, I knew the only way i could ever be free & my authentic self was to take the next step for MYSELF.
I’d rather take this step now than live the rest of my life having to apologise for my wild.
The time came to challenge my mom & at first she was hesitant mainly due to my age (21 at the time) but then said she knew i was strong enough to carry this taonga.
Deep down i knew she was terrified of how society would treat her baby.
when it came time tell my dad, i really thought this was what would discourage me.
Mind you my dad is one of the most gentle & kind humans i know so deep down i knew his reaction wouldn’t be negative at all. He agreed, and thought it was a beautiful idea.
The only person I asked for permission was my daughter, and her reply
“āe māmā you can have a Moko Kauae”
Kua tae te wā
The past three years i have tautoko many wāhine through this process through photography, videography & documentation, my mahi is my koha.
Every wānanga there was always a strong pull to get on the table, the desire was getting stronger & stronger each time. I wanted this so much. I wanted to be free but i knew it wasn’t my time…yet
Through this mahi & every wāhine that i photographed helped me through my own struggle with self worth & acceptance. The wāhine who wānanga with me one on one could see how much i craved to wear my own, could see my hunger & equally could see my turmoil.
Reclamation, 2019
This hikoi was about reclaiming myself. reclaiming my heritage, decolonising my hinengaro & tinana.
I reclaimed my ingoa, Putaanga. The ingoa of my tupuna gifted to my parents before my birth from my grandfather.
I’ve never felt so real, more myself reclaiming my name.
Weeks leading to my reveal my wairua was tau / calm. For me this was unknown. Am i okay?
I walk into into my space to receive, this is how i visioned it. The energy is magic. Im here. Everyone i wanted is here. I’m so full. Putaanga is here.
I’m the second eldest of 5 siblings, all of them have my back and they were all here.
I see my kaitā, we’re familiar and the look in her eyes speaks to me as if she’s saying “finally”.
My sister Kāranga me into Te Ao Marama. Finally, I’m free.
she’s always been there.
I look in the mirror and recognise the wahine looking back at me.
I’ve re-inhabited my tinana, i see the universe in my eyes & the Marama in my face.
Ko Hine Marama tona ingoa | her name is Hine Marama.
Ko Putaanga ahau | I am Putaanga.
Every day i walk in my power, the weight of the opinions and criticism has been lifted off my pakihiwi.
My tamāhine compliments my beauty every day and talks about the day she’ll receive hers in the future.
Overcoming opinions, overcoming self-colonisation, overcoming the battle within self.
My white skin doesn’t scare me anymore, it doesn’t feel like a curse or a burden.
My white skin doesn’t define my heritage nor does it define me.
My Moko Kauae has given me back my identity, and no one will ever take that away from me again.
Who am i to wear Moko Kauae? Ko wahine māori ahau | I am a Māori woman
No one gets to tell you who you are.
After all, you can’t exile the outcast.
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