Oh my God, I’m so Autistic

Sometimes, I get high 

& I’m like, oh my god, I’m so autistic 

I overthink 

everything 

to a degree where people must be looking at me 

thinking like 

what the fuck 

I am hyper-fixated

on how I arrange things in the space around me 

my biggest autistic trait 

is a sensitivity to my external environment 

I’m going back & forth in my head 

about my own reasoning behind 

where I should put my shoes 

until I’m just 

going back & forth through the space 

holding my fucking shoes 

& I kind of can’t deal with people eating food around me 

& I kind of don’t like the music, but I don’t want to be rude 

one of the things I am navigating 

is how to communicate with clarity 

like, I like the keys but not the really loud, intrusive bass 

Sometimes, I cannot control my environment & it can 

be a little hard for me 

like it’s all just quite chaotic & full-on 

all this movement & noise & 

me just drowning 

once I hyperventilated 

cos two different kinds of music were playing on 

Cuba Street simultaneously 

This communication thing, though is going pretty well for me 

I realised I just have to be patient with myself

& hope others will be, too

so I can make myself as comfortable as I can be 

so I can alleviate my anxiety 

by doing something as simple as 

repositioning the blanket on my couch

or as complicated as 

trying to express my feelings 

Sometimes 

especially when I am high & my 

masking mechanisms fail 

my words are a big mixed-up mess 

like I lose the last before I pick up the next 

thing about that is 

my poetry’s fucking excellent 

& I feel like it never fails me 

even when it gets me in trouble 

cos even when it gets me in trouble 

at least I’m honest 

at least I’m getting my point across 

at least I’m standing up for myself 

& all my little quirks 

you know it’s not that strange to behave differently 

whoever wrote the textbook for how to hold yourself in society 

obviously had a limited view  

as if everyone can just function fine…  

with all this emotion & overstimulation 

me personally, I can’t hide my feelings  

maybe that’s why so few autistic adults are employed 

& that’s only counting the ones who got a diagnosis 

so my hope is that we can all just… understand 

that sometimes life is weird 

that we don’t all communicate the same 

I hope we can be patient, 

like I’m being patient with myself 

very slowly, specifically 

making myself comfy 

fishing for my words 

& putting them together like fridge magnet poetry

Devon Webb

Devon Webb is a Gen Z writer & editor based in Aotearoa. Her work has been published in over seventy journals worldwide & revolves around themes of femininity, vulnerability, anti-capitalism & neurodivergence. She is an in-house writer for Erato Magazine (UK), an editor for Prismatica Press (USA), & is currently working on the launch of an international collective called The Circus, which will prioritise radical inclusivity within the indie lit scene with a focus on the disabled community. Her local publications include Poetry Aotearoa Yearbook, The Spinoff, The Big Idea, Catalyst Literary Arts Journal & more. She can be found on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok & Bluesky at @devonwebbnz.

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Autism & the Arts